“You own our property, shipped away our jobs, and shredded our unions. You’ve profited off of disaster, destabilized our currencies, and raised our cost of living. You’ve monopolized our freedom, stripped away our education, and have almost extinguished our flame.
We are hit…we are bleeding…but we ain’t got time to bleed. We will bring the giants to their knees and you will witness our revolution!”
“When it comes to war, there is little difference between the Republicans and Democrats. Both parties’ leadership is power hungry and blood thirsty, as there are no logical, ethical, or reasonable arguments for these wars.”—Judge Napolitano (via curseyourbranches)
I don’t know what these feelings mean, where they come from or what in the hell to do with, or about them.
Occasionally, I’ll get, simultaneously, feelings both physically and emotionally that make my heart ache. I can feel my emotions affect my body. Which, I’d say, is quite normal. I’m no expert, though. I am a very fulfilled, blessed person so I don’t know where exactly these burdening feelings come from.
A few reactions are either I self-examine and try to figure out what’s going on, I allow them to completely screw my day up and I act like a loser to those around me, or I can step back and search for a rational root to the angst, hurt, confusion, or whatever else these burdens may entail. Being a somewhat observational person, I’d say the last option is usually the best route to take… But unfortunately that doesn’t always happen.
Some hyper-spiritual people may say, “Ryan, that is (insert term used for “god” here- God, The Universe, etc) speaking to you!” or something to that effect. I am not denying the possibility or likeliness of that notion. In fact, my background and history tell me this is very very possible. But sometimes I just don’t know about that. Sometimes I think chemicals in this crazy body of mine are going haywire and that’s that. Just like crazy dreams; a lot of people search for a rhyme and reason to all of them, but sometimes dude… it’s just a freaking weird-ass dream! (so chill out, sit down and quit being a freak.)
At this point, I know I DO have to consider the idea of “blessed burdens”. I know that the weight of struggle and weariness of others can lay heavy on my heart. I get that- story of my life, in fact. See, I’ve never personally experienced a huge loss. I’ve never been completely jacked up by a life-altering circumstance. I’ve never been neglected nor have I owned my own depression(s). I say this solely to get one point across- I don’t have a whole lot of my own junk to process, aside from typical day-to-day life (yes, life is hard and imperfect) and such, not to boast or take for granted a life filled with blessing. That, my friends, would be tragic. My point is, I’ve always been a shoulder to cry on. I’ve always been the scapegoat. I’ve always been very open to trying to somehow understand the sorrow of others. In fact, I’d grown so accustomed to doing so, that I’ve even searched for it. I don’t know how healthy that is, necessarily, but it’s true.
As of recent I’ve had to completely reevaluate some of my stances on some important issues in life. My overall “world view” is constantly evolving, yet consistent in also searching for just means and ends. If I have any semblance of a heart, I know this whole thing isn’t about me. I also know that I am merely a human being with limitations. So round and round we go. (pointless and conclusion-less paragraph)
Anywho- today is one of those days. My heart is aching. My nerves and anxiety are starting to stir. My head is elsewhere thinking of how fun it would be to do stand-up comedy and make people laugh hysterically. I had to sit back and realize that if I bury or shove out those feelings, I will most likely become an irritable person and be irrational because I didn’t confront some feelings aroused by God-knows-what. I don’t understand why I feel heaviness today. I don’t understand why I prayed about it because I didn’t receive a magic text message from God informing me of what it is I’m feeling. I’m also not upset that I don’t understand any of this. This all may just be folly, but I choose to attempt to respond appropriately. I am not ashamed of being reliant on something other than my own humanity. Actually, I delight in the fact that I am helpless and have no idea.